Learning to Love Again... Love Yourself, That Is

Ever think about your inner child? Ever REEEEALLY think about your inner child?

It's weird to actually try. I kind of forgot she existed, but she was controlling me. How does this happen?

Children usually look for approval in others. You want to be accepted, and when you're not, you loose a little bit of love for yourself. If life knocks you down enough, you may find that you left yourself unloved by the most important person in your life, YOU.

My inner child was sad and broken and literally tried EVERYTHING she could to feel accepted and loved again. She joined a sorority. She studies SO much more than she ever has. She works out, eats right. It sounds like she's doing all the right things right? She's just been going about it the wrong way and doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Other people can't control your own happiness. Boys certainly will NOT control your happiness. Most of them are not stable enough themselves to be given such a large responsibility. When we let others have control of something so important, we're just asking for an emotional roller-coaster. Love, love as much as you want, just make sure you come first.

The first time I ever got high, I came home afterwards and fell asleep hugging myself. It was the first time I remembered to take the time to show myself some affection. Tonight, I hope to do the same. I'm going to go to bed hugging myself. In the morning, I'm going to put on something that makes me feel FABULOUS. I'm going to work on self-affirmation.

No matter what happens. No matter where I am on this earth. No matter who is with me or not with me. No matter what condition I'm living under. I can be strong, because I love myself. I can move mountains.

Founded Upon a Rock

Sometimes dried mud

looks

feels

acts like a rock.

But when it gets wet, it's just mud.

Messy

Unstable

Uncontrolled.

She stood on a rock

She thought it was safe

She cried

and her tears

turned her rock

to mud

It was only in the rain

In her pain

that she could see the real rocks

unfazed

unbroken

strong

In the mud

In the rain

She stood strong

So I wrote that poem today...and I was pretty proud of myself. Basically...David was my rock. I thought he would always be there for me. I thought he was the one thing I could count on.

I'm so much happier to be my own rock. And just incase it all gets to hard to deal with on my own, I have a huge group of friends that I know will be there.

Dependable is the BEST trait in a friend.

Gamma Phi Beta was founded upon a rock. That means so much more to me than maybe the other girls...but I've noticed there is one trait that links us all together, and maybe that's what they look for in new members. Strength. Confidence.

The last thing I will do is crawl under a rock in self-pity.

I was sad.

I've moved on.

I feel so much better now.

My dog Boomer

Boomer could not have come into my life at a better time. He has taught me so much about myself and he's even improved me as a person.

Taking care of another life is a big responsibility, and at first it really felt like one. I had to take him out almost every hour to make sure he didn't go pee inside (which he still managed to do). Any free time I had was spent with him, because when they're young they can't be left alone.

Once I felt like it was all going really well, I found out that I had to move into an apartment (having had already potty-trained Boomer in a house with a yard and other people to help take care of him). I didn't know if it was going to work out, but I didn't really have any other option.

The first week at the apartment, I was thankful to have understanding neighbors. Boomer howled non-stop when I would leave him in his cage, because I had to go to work. It made me feel so bad for him, and whenever I wasn't home I was constantly thinking about him and hoping he was okay.

Surprisingly, he only went to the bathroom in his cage the first two days. I'm sure he wasn't happy sitting in his own poo.

Now, Boomer is AMAZING. He's 5 months old. I've only had him a month and a half and I honestly have absolutely NO problems with him. He already 100% potty trained, he walks perfectly on the leash, he loves going on hikes and walks, he only cries minimally when I'm not home and he is very well socialized with people and other dogs.

All of this came as a complete shock to me a few days ago. He's finally trained. He's a REALLY good dog and I'm his mom. I'm raising a great dog and that's something I'm really proud of. It took a lot of discipline and patience. I never raised a hand to him (just yelled). He is exactly how I wanted him to be, because I have trained him to do what I want. My mom always said "A well-trained dog is a happy dog". It couldn't be more true. Boomer lives a very happy life and he's got a lot more life to live. I can't wait to share my 20's with him and watch him grow up.

Boomer's taught me that there are no limits. If you want something out of your life, you have to make it happen. Train yourself. Train yourself to go to the gym every day. Train yourself how to eat. Train yourself to do your homework well, work hard and the rest will fall into place. If you are a "well-trained" person (based on your own personal ideals), you can live a happy life.

I thank God every day for Boomer. He is my best friend.

Gaining Control

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking as he did the sinful world as it is, not as I would have it..."

There are so many aspects of my life that I can control, that I can change. Just because I was running late and I lost my bus pass (and I have to take the bus in the first place) and I spilt something on mywhite blouse AND the rest of the world is sleeping in while I wake up at 6:30am every weekday of summer!!!...

Haha well that doesn't mean I HAVE to be in a bad mood. Every day I choose to wake up and get my ass to my internship with a smile on my face because in the end of the day what really matters? I wont even remember the few seconds of agony as I crawl from my bed into the shower.

All that will matter is that I was responsible. I was reliable, and I feel good about it. I will gladly accept petty hardships to feel good about myself. We should all be proud to be who we are. I'm extremely proud of who I am and what I do.

Today I'm an intern and a cook at Louie's Chicken Shack. Tomorrow I might be an executive, a mom and a wife, but I cannot fast forward. For now I'm just a 19 year old who wakes up at 6:30am and does logic puzzles for fun.